Very very funny.......

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paranoid
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Very very funny.......

Post by paranoid »

[:D]
Had to pinch this off car mechanics magazine, long but worth the effort LOL[:D]
I borrowed this from another forum i frequent,appologies if its been posted before....

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with mole grips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because this can not be 'lightly' what you are doing now.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, 'ikkle number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: But Nova's are easy to maintain right... right? So you think three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage, whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!
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np
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Post by np »

Very funny![:D]But,some of it is SO TRUE![:D][:D][:D]
IanR
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Post by IanR »

My favourite: "This job is best entrusted to your Citroen dealer"
Translation - This has one of two posible meanings:
1. Not even the guys who make the things know how to do it.[}:)]
2. It involves a quarter-turn on one screw.[:D]
NiSk
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Post by NiSk »

Alternative to "This job is best entrusted to your Citroen dealer" :
Either: our team of highly trained monkeys couldn't get it apart
OR
When our team of highly trained monkeys HAD got it apart AND put it back together again - it didn't work.
//NiSk
ghostrider
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Post by ghostrider »

yeah, it also means that your wallet will be emptied quicker than a broken high pressure hydraulic pipe can empty your LHM reservoir [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] and firstly, it probably wont have fixed the problem or secondly it will have left you with a whole load of problems that you didn't have before [:D] [:D] [:D] and thirdly, if they are trying really hard they will have fixed some non existent problems just to make sure your wallet is running on empty[:D] [:D] [:D] Happy new year to you all
Pete
________
Vapir Oxygen Vaporizer
Last edited by ghostrider on 22 Feb 2011, 05:57, edited 1 time in total.
adzbaby
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Post by adzbaby »

The retaining nut one cracked me up, they're always seized to buggery, like someoine welded the bastard on.
Good stuff.
Twiss
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Post by Twiss »

Oh it so true, makes me lough then cry with remebering my knuckles.
Stuart McB
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Post by Stuart McB »

LOL
wilkobob
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Post by wilkobob »

I have had mostly good experiences with a haynes book, however it really annoys me when they say remove something that doesnt exist in the first place, or you think its a small job, then get reffered to 7 different chapters of the book....
I was on the floor laughing at this, its great, you brightened my day up!
vanny
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Post by vanny »

deffinatley missed one i think;
Haynes: Drift ...
Translation: The sledge hammer isnt gonna be enough, time for the blow torch!
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oscarloco
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Post by oscarloco »

Definetly SO TRUE that it made me cry remembering trying to replace the belts on a Honda I had and discovering that of all the engine types, the one in my car was the only one not covered and that the belt that was most worn was the one it didn't even mentioned how to remove it.
IanR
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Post by IanR »

A large part of Haynes manuals always seems to be dedicated to stripping engines. I wonder how relevant that is, as engines seem to be remarkably reliable these days, and most DIY'ers don't have the lifting-gear to remove an engine anyway. At the same time they give very sparse coverage to the electrics, an area that is the major PITA on modern cars.
pete_wood_uk
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Post by pete_wood_uk »

I came to the conclusion years ago that Haynes didn't understand electrics. However, faultfinding on many modern electrics can be pretty much impossible without sophisticated tools. I never did get to the bottom of a glitch in my old CX ignition system - I should perhaps have taken a modern digital storage 'scope home from work... :-). That said, I agree that Haynes could do a lot better on electrics than they do. Or is it so that modern looms can be made by several different subcontractors and can vary so much that on different instances of a single model that, actually, they're indescribable in the format of a Haynes manual.
Cheers
Pete
bxbodger
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Post by bxbodger »

Haynes have definately deteriorated over the years- just compare the first edition of the Pug 205 manual with the latest one- huge parts of it are now gone- gearbox strip and rebuild for example.
Granted, not everyone needs to know how to strip and rebuild the gearbox, but its nice to have the info and I did once do the synchromesh on an Allegro with the aid of Haynes.
Where I think they could improve things is by giving socket sizes for oddball bits like BX/405 hubs, for example.
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Panjandrum
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Post by Panjandrum »

I reckon they are simply sticking blindly to the original format and merrily commission someone to do another of the same for the next car they go for.
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