Joke I found funny...

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myglaren
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by myglaren » 05 Oct 2019, 22:36

An elderly man checks into the “old folks home “.

An elderly woman walks up to him and says “hey handsome, want some super sex?

The old guy says “I’ll have the soup”.

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mickthemaverick
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by mickthemaverick » 05 Oct 2019, 22:59

Apparently Michael O'Leary of Ryanair fame has refused to have an electric car because...
Spoiler: show
he couldn't charge it enough!

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myglaren
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by myglaren » 06 Oct 2019, 10:45

Geordie accent to be banned under proposed data encryption laws

Priti Patel calls for end to encryption


The Geordie accent will be banned under new encryption laws being proposed by the home secretary, we can report today.

Prompted by Priti Patel, the laws are intended to make it illegal to use any form of communication which is not comprehensible to the police and security services, meaning that people from Newcastle are well stuffed.


Geordies are unhappy at the news, we think, after one told us,

“Ah think it’s deed ladgeful that people want tuh Sta wor talkin leek this.
“It’s neet leek wor talkin is difficult tuh understand. it’s just words leek.
“We’re neet deeyuhn any terrorism or owt,”

they concluded, incomprehensibly.

Scouse and Glaswegian accents are also expected to be prohibited.

“The purpose of encryption is to take meaningful communication and turn it into a string of meaningless gobbledygook which nobody in their right mind can understand,”
a spokesman for GCHQ told us.

“So that’s the Welsh language right out as well, come to think about it.

“Did you know the Welsh word for ‘year’ is ‘blwyddyn’?* How are we supposed to work that out? There’s not even any vowels to start with.

“I’m not Alan (-expletive removed-) Turing, you know.”

People from Newcastle are allegedly furious about the new laws, but frankly it’s impossible to be certain without an interpreter.

doctle
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by doctle » 07 Oct 2019, 13:31

After years being unemployed my brother got a a job cooking fish in a Chinese restaurant. He's still between a wok and a hard plaice

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mickthemaverick
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by mickthemaverick » 07 Oct 2019, 13:38

I have a sister in a similar situation but it's hard to say what she does, She sells seashells on the seashore!!

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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by myglaren » 07 Oct 2019, 14:13

Snap 2019-10-06 at 20.39.01.png

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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by mickthemaverick » 07 Oct 2019, 23:04

The old ones are the best ones:
Two flies were playing football in a saucer, one fly says "We'll have to play better than this next week". "Why?" says his mate.
Spoiler: show
"We're playing in the cup!!"

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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by mickthemaverick » 09 Oct 2019, 17:11

The Vicar arrived at the golf club to find a message from the Bishop waiting for him "I'm really sorry, I have to attend a dying man and I cannot get there for our match against the Priests. I'm sure you will find one of our followers around to take my place. If you can you must play the match and good luck!" The Vicar was a little worried but he went into the clubhouse to find a makeshift partner. Unfortunately the bar was empty so he went into the pro shop and asked if they knew of any C of E members who were available to partner him against their Catholic rivals. The best advice they could give was to go to the greenkeeper's shed and see if the gardener could help him out. He duly popped in and met Ernie, the gardener's labourer, who said he would be happy to help.

They headed to the first tee where they met their opponents. The priests offered to have a friendly wager whereby the losers would buy the dinner after the round and after they agreed they teed off. The priest's outplayed them from the first tee to the eighteenth green and they finished the round 14 shots behind. The Vicar was fuming, feeling that he had played well and not dropped a shot, he turned to Ernie as they entered the clubhouse and said
"You are absolutely useless, don't ever offer to help our church again!!" then he sighed and added "What have you got to say for yourself?"
Ernie looked up sheepishly and said "I'm really sorry sir, but what can you expect, I'm only a country member!"
"Oh don't worry," replied the Vicar "I'll remember!!"

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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by doctle » 09 Oct 2019, 23:28

I told the wife I wanted a set of snooker balls for Christmas she replied "No point, you'd break them"

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Hell Razor5543
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 » Today, 07:15

A newspaper has published a list of "The Most Useless Jobs in the World". The jobs on this list are the sort that the employees feel there is no point in them turning up for work, and if they didn't nobody would notice. Top of the list was;
Spoiler: show
Indicator Fitters working for BMW
See if you can work out what the rest of the top 10 were.

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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by mickthemaverick » Today, 08:32

Dare I offer double yellow line painters in London?